Life as a Hufflepuff Exchange Student

 

I keep telling myself that there’s no way that Hogwarts can ever get any weirder… And each time, the school finds brand new ways to prove me wrong. Hogwarts, the safest place on earth... Ha. Yeah right.

My name is Sima Simpson. Me and my best friend, Ella White, are Hufflepuff exchange students from Ilvermorny in the U.S. We were both shipped off to the U.K. to go to Hogwarts, because both of our moms are kinda obsessed with Dumbledore. And I mean, I love it here, but there are some thing about this school that are just weird, and I’m saying this from my dorm in a magical castle somewhere in Scotland where kids fly around on brooms and try to kill each other with sentient cannonballs for entertainment.

First of all… I have no idea what a muggle is, but whatever it is, it sounds racist. This is gonna sound very Ravenclaw of me, but what is a muggle? Where do we get the word from? I don’t want to sound like that person, but back in Ilvermorny, we called human beings without magical capabilities No-Maj’s. No-Magics. People without magic. It makes so much sense. But what in the world is a muggle?

Second thing-Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers. What is wrong with all of them? First year, Professor Quirrell literally had Voldemort stuck to the back of his head and wanted to kill Harry Potter. Second year, Professor Lockhart was an incompetent fraud that had no clue what he was doing, plus he lost his memory after a memory wipe incident with Ron Weasley and Harry Potter. No complaints about Professor Lupin, he was great, but he had to leave at the end of the year because everyone at Hogwarts is so closeminded. And then fourth year, turned out that Professor Moody was actually a Death Eater in disguise plotting to kill Harry Potter. And this year, the teacher is an absolute psycho. She looks like a mutated frog, wears pink, refuses to actually teach us anything, and her literal goal in life is just doing anything and everything in her power to make our lives as miserable as possible, especially if your name is Harry Potter.

Do I detect a reoccurring theme here?

Maybe they should just kick Potter out, and then we’d have a normal teacher because the current one would be focused on actually teaching us and not figuring out the best way to do him in.

Which brings me to my last point: HOW IS HARRY POTTER ALWAYS IN THE THICK OF EVERYTHING? Every single year, Hufflepuff House is shunted aside while Harry and the Gryffindors get all the spotlight and get a gazillion house points for literally no good reason other than “Harry Potter thinks the universe revolves around him and decided that he had to be the one to solve everyone’s problems also he’s Dumbledore’s favorite so Gryffindor wins, yippee!”. Last year we thought we had a chance with Cedric Diggory but, Whoop. He dead.

Why do I bring this up?

I’m glad you asked.

Earlier today, Ella and I were minding our business, doing our homework in the library. Ella was writing an essay for History of Magic about the Wizarding Goblin Wars, and I was reading a really interesting book called ‘Bowtruckles: Arbor or Animal?’ when we were approached by Hermione Granger.

Hermione Granger is one of the only Gryffindors in our year that has any intelligence whatsoever. I’ve always liked her. I’ve never understood why she wastes her time hanging out with Harry Potter and Ron Weasley. Last year, she formed S.P.E.W, the Society for the Protection of Elfish Welfare, which Ella and I heartily support while everyone else scorned it, including Harry and Ron. I just can’t understand why wizards still do slavery. You have a literal magic wand. You can do your chores with magic. Anyway, while I don’t care for her choice of friends, Hermione’s great.

“Hey Hermione.” I said, looking up from ‘Bowtruckles: Arbor or Animal?’. “Is this a S.P.E.W. update? Are we finally demonstrating? I’ve got some great picket sign ideas.”

“Hello Sima, Ella. No, I’m not here to plan our next S.P.E.W. demonstration.”     Hermione glanced cautiously over her shoulder. “Listen, we need to talk. Somewhere private—”

“Don’t worry, the Wicked Witch couldn’t hear us if her ear was pressed to the door.” Ella reassured her. “We put up a sound-blocking bubble spell.” Hermione relaxed, looking intrigued.

“Really? How? Where did you learn it? That could be really useful!”

“Not Defense Against the Dark Arts, that’s for sure.” I grumbled, turning the page of my book. “Umbridge doesn’t teach us anything. At the rate we’re going, we’re all going to fail our O.W.Ls.”

“Oh. About that,” said Hermione. “Well I’ve been thinking… Forget about grades.” Ella and I blinked in confusion.

“Forget? About grades?” I blurted. “Who are you and what have you done with Hermione Granger?”

“No, seriously.” Said Hermione. “What happens when we leave school, go out into the real world… And can’t protect ourselves, because we never learned how?”

“What are you suggesting?” I asked, putting down my book and sitting up in my chair.

“I think, we should take matters into our own hands.” Said Hermione. “Teach ourselves Defense. In secret. Without Umbridge knowing.”

“From books?”

“No.” Hermione replied. “We need someone to teach us. And I know just the person.”

“Who?” asked Ella.

“Um…” Hermione looked sheepish. “I… I know you don’t like him but—”

“No.” I said immediately. “Absolutely not. You can’t be serious. Not a chance.”

“Oh come on, Harry has lots of experience fighting the Dark Arts!” exclaimed Hermione. “He could teach us so much!”

“But… He’s so infuriating!” Ella protested. “And he’s an Elf Enslaver!”

“Please. Give him a chance.” Hermione pleaded. “And besides, it could be a way of rebelling against the system. A demonstration.” Ella and I fell quiet.

“I do love a good demonstration.” I admitted after a minute. “And a rebellion does sound like fun.”

“And we really do need to learn Defense.” Ella relented. “Even if it is from an Elf Enslaver.”    

“We’re in.” I said. “When do we start?”

Hermione perked up. “The first meeting is next Hogsmeade visit.” She said. “At the Hogs Head.”

“Uh… Why there?” asked Ella.

“Well, there will be less people there. No one to overhear our plans.” Hermione explained. “Plus, it’s sort of shady, so it has the perfect aesthetic for an illegal rebellion meeting. Why? Is it a bad idea? Sorry, I’m new to this whole ‘Secret Resistance’ thing. It’s not like there’s a book in the library titled ‘How to Start an Underground Movement in Three Easy Steps’. The Order of the Phoenix made it look so easy!”

“Right… Well… We’ll be there.” I promised.

“Okay, great, thanks!” Hermione slung her bag on her shoulder and hurried away. “See you then!”

As Hermione walked away, checking over he shoulder that no one had overheard anything, Ella and I glanced at each other.

“Hogwarts is so weird.” I sighed, going back to ‘Bowtruckles: Arbor or Animal?’.

“Yeah,” Ella agreed, once again scratching at her History of Magic essay. “Back at Ilvermorny, you and I would have started a rebellion the minute Umbridge set her webbed foot on campus.”